Preface: I don’t care about your weight. You do you. If you want to eat potatoes, eat potatoes. If you want to eat cauliflower, eat cauliflower. Go to the gym or play video games. Neither has any greater moral value than the other. You are not the number on a scale. If you’re a piece of shit, it’s because of what’s in your metaphorical heart, not your physical heart.

That being said, a little over a year ago, I was the focus of an article about my comedy. The article was great, but I was really unhappy with the pictures. After looking at them, I had a Bruce Springsteen moment where I just wanted to change my clothes, my hair, and my face.

I made some personal changes since then, that I’ve been happy with (I’m not giving up drinking yet…even though I say “I’m done drinking!” at least once a month). One of those changes has been to pay more attention to how I dress, at least 4 out of 7 days a week.

Fat people clothes are hard sometimes. I said something about that online recently, and an AP reporter asked where I was buying clothes. I answered, and now that answer is in about a hundred newspapers between Miami and Seattle. So, now the whole country knows my shirt size.

I wasn’t going to share this originally. Not because I’m embarrassed by it, but because I want recognition for comedy, not for being some fat guy who buys shirts. I’m sharing it though. Because whatever. If I end up not being able to tell a good dick joke, maybe I’ll┬ábe a plus-sized model.